Saturday, 17 November 2012

 

WHAT TO WEAR: TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PT. II


A night at the movies usually consists of jeans and a t-shirt for the purpose of being comfortable inhabiting a chair previously tarnished by popcorn, soda and saliva residue from teenage couples. However, there are exceptions. Every so often comes a film event that warrants some thought and effort into an outfit. The motion picture event of the year is the 5th installment of the necrophiliac porn saga-- Twillight: Breaking Dawn Pt II. 

 

Let me start by saying that I would claim these movies to be absolute masterpieces had the genre read "comedy" instead of "drama/romance/horror." I usually try to avoid mainstream Hollywood, pop-corn flicks because I cherish my sanity, but alas, my morbid curiosity got the better of me. To think that this entire ordeal initiated with a bored housewife having a sexy dream about a vampire, which she naturally interpreted as divine artistic inspiration. And now, it's heralding the rise of a new method of literary distribution. Jesus, we're going to have to explain this to our children one day.


But at the risk of offending any of my readers who happen to be avid Twillight fans, I'll just say that the Twillight films are the quintessential definition of great cinema. It sets a great example of young viewers. Characters promoting themes of pedophilia and promiscuity is exactly what teenagers need these days.  Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson both deserve accolades for their portrayal of constipation and wooden logs. Plus, these movies are so intellectually stimulating and thought provoking. After I viewed the staggering sex scene in Breaking Dawn Pt. 1, I spent the entire night wondering how vampires get erections, since their hearts don't really beat and erections are caused by blood flow. I like movies that make me think. 


I was dragged against my will to watch the final episode of the Twilight Saga last night. And as terrible as that experience was, there was one saving grace.  Even though the theater was filled with teenage girls, about halfway through the film, one, then another, then another started to laugh out loud! Pretty soon those of us who weren't comatose or brain-dead, joined in. It was something akin to a Christmas miracle! It was just like it happened in Whoville when everyone started to sing together! We the brave, and the few, in our darkest hour, we came together in laughter, and through our laughter whispered to one another: "it's OK, we're in this together, we can make it"! And we did.  And we came out as better people on the other side.


Since the Twillight epidemic is already upon us, I decided it would be wise for me to advice you on how to look chic while you willingly commit suicide. So here we go (and excuse my constipated expressions. I was trying to channel by inner Kristen Stewart).


Step 1: Your Basics


Since this will be more of a lesson in layering for the event, it is best to start with your basics. I chose a disposable white tank and my shittiest pair of jeans to dispose of after they have made contact with theater seats infested with drooling vegetables. I chose to wear my most comfortable pair of flats, although running shoes are preferable for the moment that your sanity kicks in.


Step 2: Pick your team

 


I picked the shiniest, most sequined item in my closet to display my love for our favorite frosted flaked, disco-ball sparkling, tofu eating vampire and to represent Team Edward.


If you're on Team Jacob, pick a faux fur apparel item that resembles a wolf. I've decided to pair the two items together in order to stay on neutral grounds and save myself from being slaughtered by the morbid fan girls of the warring parties.


Step 4: Protect your DNA


It is extremely important to don gloves while watching Twillight. Do not leave any evidence of your presence or any finger prints in the same vicinity as a Twillight screening. It is extremely vital for your health that no one finds out that you committed a cardinal sin. Thus, you must prevent any shards from your DNA escaping and subjecting you to a lifetime of public debasement. I chose these gloves in particular, as they are adorned with gold spikes. These serve a dual purpose of not only protecting my DNA, but can also be utilized as a weapon, or rather a shield, against the wrath of the deranged fangirls. 


Step 4: Protect your Brain


A metal cap would be ideal in such a situation for the protection of your brain cells, and a shield against the film infiltrating your brain. However, since I was unable to procure one, I decided to wear a Turkish hat that I bought in Istanbul last year. I went for this hat in particular because it is actually lined with fleece on the inside.  Such a material is perfect for insulation and will aid, somewhat, in the prevention of brain cell destruction. However, in the event that your brain cells are destroyed, the insulation will help the brain cells from imploding into a disgusting pile of goo. 


Step 5: Protect your Identity


When I first came across this bejeweled couture ski mask from Giambattista Valli Couture Fall 2012 collection, I was completely dumfounded as to what purpose these could possibly serve. At last, they have found a way into our daily lives! If you can't afford the Valli couture ski mask (they retail for $500+), a beret of any kind will suffice. This serves the purpose of preserving your identity from the sheer embarrassment and public debasement that comes with watching Twillight. However, if you are one of the many who are unable to loathe this piece of celluloid, then you deserve the shame. 


Now you may cut out holes around the eye area in order to see, but in such a case, it's probably best if you keep your eyes covered. Protect as many limbs and organs as possible!


Step 5: Don't forget your goods!


It is inevitable that you will be going to watch a film without taking a purse. Try to pick a purse that is large enough, and sturdy enough to withhold the weight of eggs and tomatoes (their presence is self explanatory). I chose this leather bag from Michael Kors to carry my goods. 


You are now sufficiently prepared to watch Breaking Dawn Pt. II. If you cannot procure the exact apparel items on my list, than fret not, and just improvise. Remember, the goal is to look as sexually frustrated as possible.


So now you see what I did there? I have used my "fashion" blog to reveal my true purpose in life. That is, to save you all from watching really bad movies that will kill you. That's why I was put on this planet. It's not an easy job, but someone's gotta do it.



Sequin Sweater: H&M/ Jeans: Zara/ Faux Fur Vest: Rachel Roy/ Beret: Forever 21/ Shoes: Asos (last worn here)/ Purse: Michael Kors/ Hat: Grand Bazaar in Istanbul








:-)

140 comments:

  1. hahahah seriously love this post-- will keep in mind the next time I am dragged to a horrible movie! love the fez and vest :)
    xx mili

    callmemaeby.blogspot.com/

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  2. Luckily I haven't been dragged out to see these movies....you are absolutely hilarious. Love the outfit.
    xo
    girlintheyellowdress.com

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  3. haahah love this so much!


    just posted my MMM for HM look!


    http://lavieenliz.com/2012/11/17/maison-martin-margiela-for-hm/

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  4. Love this!!! The outfit is so pretty and fun! I love the tutorial on sneaking snacks into a movie, lol. Every time I go to the movies I get a large purse out...one time I even brought in a 2 liter of soda and cups!!

    Kristine
    www.pugglewearsprada.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. you're too funny! this is great

    xx



    http://spoonfulofdiamonds.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOL You're freaking hilarious. I am team Jacob all the way!:P At the expense of not losing the non existent brain cells of mine, I will give the movie a try too soon over the Thanksgiving break. Love your sequin sweater, and just love the layering overall. You've taken basic items of clothing and put together the outfit in a really appealing manner. Looking forward to your next blog post as usual!!!:)

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  7. Yes! I need to remember the beret and gloves!

    Http://theoccasionalindulgence.blogspot.com

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  8. Yes, I'd love to follow each other:)
    You go first and let me know<3
    Kisses

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hahaha :) This is awesome! I love the faux fur vest! Yes, I'd love to follow each other...Have a great weekend!

    xoxo,
    Lyndsey

    www.theeyelinermanifesto.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Your writing is amazing. And I dislike Twilight too (which doesn't mean I am not going to watch it secretly!)
    Oh dear, I love your blog.

    x
    Sabrina
    apixiesviewonfashion.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. cute bag ;-))

    WWW.LIVE-STYLE20.BLOGSPOT.COM

    NEW POST


    FOLLOW ME ;_)

    ReplyDelete
  12. love that sequin sweater and those studded gloves is just amazingly quirky. love them!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. So stunning!

    Why don't we follow each other? :)

    XOXO,
    Monika

    ReplyDelete
  14. You're hilarious, love this post!

    xx Rose

    ReplyDelete
  15. cute shoes and hilarious post!
    http://tie-dye-eyes.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  16. Funny post!!
    Even you have done it for this funny post, I loved this look ;) | without the beret and the hat you look really beautiful ;)

    xoxo
    STYLE TRACES
    ST FACEBOOK PAGE

    ReplyDelete
  17. Greatv post dear!!! Like it!
    Thanks so much for your sweet comment!!!
    What do you think about following each other? Please let me know or feel free to follow me and I'll follow back for 100%!
    xoxo
    Stacy

    http://tastyrumors.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  18. Rewelacyjna stylizacja :)

    Zaczynamy obserwowac przez google, bardzo prosimy i byloby nam mlo gdybys tez to zrobila :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Fanny post!!! Love the sweater!!!
    Kisses
    Francy&Stef
    chicwiththeleast.blogspot.it

    ReplyDelete
  20. where did you buy the gloves? love them!!!
    nice blog, yes of course we can follow each other, new follower
    waiting for you on my blog
    I LOVE SHOPPING

    ReplyDelete
  21. When did you buy your sequins shirt? is it still on sale? I want it sooo bad!

    http://my-fashion-thoughts.blogspot.pt

    ReplyDelete
  22. Haha, great outfit ;)
    xx
    www.clothesandcamera.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. funny post!:)

    new post on
    www.stgermain-girl.blogspot.fr

    ReplyDelete
  24. hi! i hope we can follow each others blog :)) please let me know :))

    http://awallflowersjournal.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  25. So so funny, the sequin shirt is amazing though!

    www.raisingtheclouds.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  26. Amazing post! So funny! You look so beautiful! :)

    Babi
    www.voguebuster.net

    ReplyDelete
  27. hahaha amazing!!! i love you;) LOL... you're so funny & smart:)) i'm not fan of Twilight but I watched all the movies. this is so stupid but i don't hate it. you're so ironic, love it:)
    & so pretty<3

    ReplyDelete
  28. Great outfit, I love to follow each other !
    colourful-inspiration.blogspot.com xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thank you for your comment, would love to follow eachother,

    Following you now on Bloglovin' & GFC, hope you follow back on both!

    Will be returning to your blog amazing photos.

    www.kellyjade.co.uk

    Kelly xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  30. Very clever. You made me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Rox I follow you now, follow back? xDD

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  32. This is one of your best posts-so hilarious! I was similarly dragged to breaking dawn last night by a friend and wore a similar outfit, minus the valli inspired beret. Keep up the great work:)

    http://scattergirll.blogspot.com

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  33. great post:D

    http://sennierealny.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  34. Original and gorgeous outfit! :)

    http://petiteadalid.blogspot.com.es/

    ReplyDelete
  35. This is hilarious. I love the layering for both teams to stay neutral :)

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  36. You look fabolous Dear!

    http://laceandchiffonblog.blogspot.co.il/

    ReplyDelete
  37. I following you! Invite to me !
    http://niewymiarowa-style.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  38. Great outfit!

    Lauren,
    Fashionswirls.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  39. Love your gilet

    http://georginagoodman.blogspot.co.uk
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  40. Love. love. love this look. Just bought a faux fur vest at H&M like the one you're wearing anf I totally adore it!
    oxoxo from San Francisco
    Amy
    http://bridechic.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  41. amazing look, lovely sweater!you look so pretty

    www.tomelessismore.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  42. Thanks for your reply on my blog:) I've followed you on bloglovin, hope you'll do the same !

    FASHION BRAID
    www.fashionbraid.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  43. Thanks for following me!
    I am following you back on Bloglovin(#176) too!
    Keep in touch!

    http://thescentofglamour.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  44. OMG this post was really funny, I think the same too ! Those movies are aweful !

    Thank you for stopping by, I'm your newest follower on Bloglovin', wanna follow back?

    Great blog :)

    www.the-sunnylit.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  45. Heeello!
    I love your blog, would you like to follow each other? let me know!
    //7kira.blogspot.ru/2012/11/belgorod.html#more


    http://www.bloglovin.com/en/blog/3594048
    http://www.formspring.me/kiralovedeer
    https://twitter.com/kiralovedeer

    ReplyDelete
  46. I love your look! The vest is amazing in combination with the sparkling top :) Well done. How was the movie?? :) Hope you visit me and may like my blog about me and male fashion :) XOXO

    www.look-scout.de

    ReplyDelete
  47. Hilarious post! Love your writing!

    Jo x amomentwithjo

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  48. Nice, funny and just a little crazy :)))) I love your blog!! Kiss from Italy :* Lia
    http://lysl75.blogspot.it/

    ReplyDelete
  49. thanks for your lovely comment!Follow each others!
    kisses
    http://patriciabrand.blogspot.it/

    http://www.facebook.com/PatriciaBrandWorld

    ReplyDelete
  50. Such a cute outfit! In love with the fur!
    http://shradhaloves.blogspot.co.uk/
    S xx

    ReplyDelete
  51. Love the sparkling sweater ;)!!

    http://semjeitonenhum.blogspot.pt/

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hahaha awesome! i love the text too, just hilarious!!

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  53. AHAHAHAHAAH this wwas awesome, so funny!

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  54. Good Stuff! I can't wait to rot my brain! ow ow
    badbarbara.com

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  55. Hi, This a really cool post! Love it. Btw, I can see my avatar, I'm following ya, I'm follower #319 I even count it. :) Mind a follow back?

    Karen,xx
    http://hablemosfashion.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  56. gorgeous outfit!
    now following your lovely blog :)
    xx

    follow back? eye_spy

    ReplyDelete
  57. So effing funny, hun....not a super fan but I can see the appeal, I used to be addicted to harry potter- awkward! ;)

    xo Carlina
    AllergicToVnailla.com

    ReplyDelete
  58. You are too funny :)
    Btw, I've been following you on Lookbook and Bloglovin since you've first visited my blog! =D
    Lona
    http://twig-in-pink.blogspot.ca

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hi :) I already following you! Check better in your list of followers I´m there :) Keep in touch ;)
    Xoxo

    Miss Butterflyyy
    Miss Butterflyyy Facebook

    ReplyDelete
  60. im waiting for the premier too

    Follow my blog with Bloglovin
    http://www.facebook.com/elcoffre
    https://twitter.com/elcofre_nicarag
    http://elcoffre.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  61. Hilarious!! I love it!!
    -Adrienne. xo

    http://sending-postcards-home.blogspot.com
    http://sending-postcards-home.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  62. That is hilarious! Following via bloglovin.

    ReplyDelete
  63. love this outfit! love the sequin sweater with the fauxfur vest on top :)

    http://www.counttofour.etsy.com
    http://www.counttofour.com

    ReplyDelete
  64. lol. this post is so funny. i love how you interpreted the characters with the sequin top and vest. i have yet to watch the movies (or read the books) to avoid being embarrassed. (probably because I was an English major and never had time to read books not on the syllabus) Following via bloglovin now too. hope you will do the same=]

    whattowearwithpandy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  65. OK, so Roxy. I know we are new followers of each other's blogs and just getting to know each other. But from this post, I have deduced that you are a crackup. This post made me laugh and cry and even brought out my curious side... (why are there eggs and tomatoes in your purse?) hahahha Roxy, you are my new favorite person :)

    xx
    
Holly Foxen Wells

    GlamourMash

    ReplyDelete
  66. Hahah, I love your side remarks about the movie. I love the turkish hat, and your gloves. But I'm a fan of twilight tho not a fan of Kristen Stewart :P In my country Breaking Dawn will release on 23rd Nov. But I a bigger fan of Harry Potter<333 I'd pick being a potterhead than a twihard any day any time :P

    Have a great day dear!

    Love,
    Dipika.
    www.dipikasyngai.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  67. Ha! Great post, got funnier and funnier as it went on. Thanks for stopping by Fluff and Fripperies and suggesting we follow each other. Happy to do so. See you back there soon?

    Emma xo
    www.fluffandfripperies.com

    ReplyDelete
  68. haha!!!!!!!!!!!
    I seriously like this post, dear ,and the way write!
    Anna
    x

    ReplyDelete
  69. hahah totally love this post. somehow it's true!
    i like the fur vest nevertheless
    xoxo
    style frontier

    ReplyDelete
  70. great gloves! and I like your pullover!
    yes i'd like to follow each other, your blog is great!
    xx
    http://fashion-lifestyle-and-more.blogspot.ch

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  71. The look is fab, but the story is just brilliant! You know I haven't seen a single twilight movie so far. x

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  72. Hahahahaha this post was hilarious, you made my day!
    I join you in the "anti-twilight" mood :) Kids these days don't even know about Armageddon anymore, but they could recite whole passages from Twilight. It's really sad!
    Love your outfit and the purse filled with goodies ;) So cool, that people actually started laughing in the cinema!

    ReplyDelete
  73. Like this post...so funny!!

    New post--> http://lowbudget-lowcost.blogspot.it/2012/11/the-parka.html

    ReplyDelete
  74. Ah love your gloves!!! Great post! :)

    The Style Storm

    xo, Christina

    ReplyDelete
  75. loved ur sequinned top, and the whole post is so great !
    Nice blog ! U can check out mine too,and ,If u want we can follow each other on gfc n bloglovin. Let me know.
    ✿thefashionflite
    ✿twitter
    ✿Bloglovin

    ReplyDelete
  76. Great outfit loving your vest !!


    Love,

    Janice
    the-fashion-milkshake.blogspot.nl

    ReplyDelete
  77. I usually go with my youngest son and he is 6'2 already so I wear tall shors in order to avoid looking like key-chain next to him. I would wear something comfy as well, but with 4" bad ass heels lol. Great post and I am following you now my dear, don't forget return the favor.

    Mysmallwardrobe.com

    ReplyDelete
  78. Haha, omg you are hilarious. This entire post was just awesome!

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

    ReplyDelete
  79. Hahahahha the eggs & the tomatoes are the best part of this entire outfit.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Hey darling, id love to follow each other! following you now and waiting for you to do the same! :)
    btw, great jumper!! looks so cosy!!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  81. Hi dear!
    You look great!
    Now I start following you via Bloglovin)
    www.gvozdishe.com

    gvozdishe on Facebook

    ReplyDelete
  82. Funny post!

    Kiss from
    http://mipalaciodelamoda.blogspot.com.es

    ReplyDelete
  83. You are hilarious!!! I love this post so much I read it to my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  84. amazing!! loved the bag full o feggs and tomatoes! so cool!! ahahaha:) thank you so much for your comment dear:)) keep in touch:)) happy week!

    Leonor
    thesparklinglemon.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  85. Your outfit is stunning!

    http://www.daisyraeboutique.com
    http://www.kacieskloset.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  86. "I spent the entire night wondering how vampires get erections, since their hearts don't really beat and erections are caused by blood flow. I like movies that make me think."

    Aaaaaand this is why I love you. Hy-ster-i-cal.

    You couldn't have put together a more perfect outfit for the Twilight finale. Clever, combining Team Jacob and Team Edward. :) I have never read the books and I have only seen a few of the movies. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who isn't fixated on the series!

    ReplyDelete
  87. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your sequin tops and those flats!!

    Xo, Rachel

    Glitzy Blues

    ReplyDelete
  88. really love your sequin, you have an amazing look dear <3
    Following u

    http://chic-swank.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  89. Love that vest! This post is too funny, love it :)

    <3 Josephine
    www.champagnestar.com

    ReplyDelete
  90. in love with your sparkly top! such a cute look!

    xoxo,

    Fashion Fractions

    ReplyDelete
  91. Bahahahaha love this post and the necrophiliac porn part - I have to correct you, those two don't even hold hands half the time so it's very much PG13 LOL!

    SDMxx
    www.daringcoco.com
    NEW GIVEAWAY ON MY BLOG! Enter NOW

    ReplyDelete
  92. ...nice post ^^
    breaking down look rules !!!
    kiss and have an happy day
    vendy

    NEW POST
    follow me on:
    the simple life of rich people blog
    instagram @ thesimplelifeofrichpeople

    ReplyDelete
  93. ahhahaha So funny!! Wanna follow each other??

    http://thefashionshadowbygiulia.blogspot.it/

    ReplyDelete
  94. Hey thanks for the comment on my blog! And yes, let's follow each other! :) x

    ReplyDelete
  95. totally lovely outfit! i haven't seen breakin dawn part 2 yet but i'm going to see it on friday and can't wait, hehe!

    and thanks a lot for the comment! sure i'd like to follow each other! just.. how do i follow you? can't find a follow button or anything anywhere on your blog! maybe i'm just stupid, haha! xx

    coffeebooksandcitylights.blogspot.com/
    facebook.com/rocknrolllies

    ReplyDelete
  96. Thanks for your comment, I don't understand why we are not following each other already, following you now.
    I loved your review you make me laugh until I cried.
    I have only see the first one of twilight series (I wouldn't lost my time reading them) but I couldn't stop thinking how vampires that can't be reached by sun light could live in a Cristal clear house (beautiful house by the way)
    Loved the look specially the fur leather for Jacob team.
    Have a great week.
    Xx
    City-aholic.blogspot.com.es

    ReplyDelete
  97. Very funny post!

    I saw your comment in my blog! Love to follow each other via gfc and bloglovin! Send me a comment and will follow back!!!

    xo

    merv


    www.lateybirdy.com

    ReplyDelete
  98. You have such great style ! of course I would love it if we followed each other, I'm following you now : )

    xo,
    Cindi
    Breakfast at Cindi’s

    ReplyDelete
  99. Great post!

    http://www.thegaragestarlets.com/

    ReplyDelete
  100. Thanks for your comment!
    I already followed you, hope you follow me too :)

    x

    ReplyDelete
  101. Great style girl! I love your blog. So many great things to see!!!
    Best Regards
    Miss Margaret Cruzemark
    http://margaretcruzemark.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  102. you are hilarious! haha and thank you for your lovely comment on my blog! super appreciate it! following you now :)

    iambornlippy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  103. Very pretty photos! Love the shoes!

    XO, Imke

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  104. Love the humour, hahah :D

    But seriously, Rox, you look amazing - and that hat is soooo awesome!


    Edita
    http://www.pret-a-reporter.co.uk

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  105. HAHAHA this is ingenious, the whole time I was thinking WTH, this is brilliant!

    Hitchcockesque blog

    ReplyDelete
  106. The Twilight Saga means entertainment to me, not something serious. and I don't think Stewart or Pattinson are awesome actors but I don't actually care about that fact. anyway, as I can see then Twilight moves even those who actually hate it and I think attention is something the moviemakers look for ;)

    Maiken,
    Maikeni blogi – part of me

    ReplyDelete
  107. I like so much this sparkly outfit, so pretty!!

    http://theredcoatodyssey.blogspot.mx/

    ReplyDelete
  108. i might add the controlling stalker type is a good model for young girls to look for in a boyfriend ; ) my best friend asked me to read these books with her, i did. this is all the proof i need that i am a seriously good friend! needless to day - loved this!

    ReplyDelete