WHAT TO WEAR: TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PT. II
A night at the movies usually consists of jeans and a t-shirt for the purpose of being comfortable inhabiting a chair previously tarnished by popcorn, soda and saliva residue from teenage couples. However, there are exceptions. Every so often comes a film event that warrants some thought and effort into an outfit. The motion picture event of the year is the 5th installment of the necrophiliac porn saga-- Twillight: Breaking Dawn Pt II.
Let me start by saying that I would claim these movies to be absolute masterpieces had the genre read "comedy" instead of "drama/romance/horror." I usually try to avoid mainstream Hollywood, pop-corn flicks because I cherish my sanity, but alas, my morbid curiosity got the better of me. To think that this entire ordeal initiated with a bored housewife having a sexy dream about a vampire, which she naturally interpreted as divine artistic inspiration. And now, it's heralding the rise of a new method of literary distribution. Jesus, we're going to have to explain this to our children one day.
But at the risk of offending any of my readers who happen to be avid Twillight fans, I'll just say that the Twillight films are the quintessential definition of great cinema. It sets a great example of young viewers. Characters promoting themes of pedophilia and promiscuity is exactly what teenagers need these days. Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson both deserve accolades for their portrayal of constipation and wooden logs. Plus, these movies are so intellectually stimulating and thought provoking. After I viewed the staggering sex scene in Breaking Dawn Pt. 1, I spent the entire night wondering how vampires get erections, since their hearts don't really beat and erections are caused by blood flow. I like movies that make me think.
I was dragged against my will to watch the final episode of the Twilight Saga last night. And as terrible as that experience was, there was one saving grace. Even though the theater was filled with teenage girls, about halfway through the film, one, then another, then another started to laugh out loud! Pretty soon those of us who weren't comatose or brain-dead, joined in. It was something akin to a Christmas miracle! It was just like it happened in Whoville when everyone started to sing together! We the brave, and the few, in our darkest hour, we came together in laughter, and through our laughter whispered to one another: "it's OK, we're in this together, we can make it"! And we did. And we came out as better people on the other side.
Since the Twillight epidemic is already upon us, I decided it would be wise for me to advice you on how to look chic while you willingly commit suicide. So here we go (and excuse my constipated expressions. I was trying to channel by inner Kristen Stewart).
Step 1: Your Basics
Since this will be more of a lesson in layering for the event, it is best to start with your basics. I chose a disposable white tank and my shittiest pair of jeans to dispose of after they have made contact with theater seats infested with drooling vegetables. I chose to wear my most comfortable pair of flats, although running shoes are preferable for the moment that your sanity kicks in.
Step 2: Pick your team
I picked the shiniest, most sequined item in my closet to display my love for our favorite frosted flaked, disco-ball sparkling, tofu eating vampire and to represent Team Edward.
If you're on Team Jacob, pick a faux fur apparel item that resembles a wolf. I've decided to pair the two items together in order to stay on neutral grounds and save myself from being slaughtered by the morbid fan girls of the warring parties.
Step 4: Protect your DNA
It is extremely important to don gloves while watching Twillight. Do not leave any evidence of your presence or any finger prints in the same vicinity as a Twillight screening. It is extremely vital for your health that no one finds out that you committed a cardinal sin. Thus, you must prevent any shards from your DNA escaping and subjecting you to a lifetime of public debasement. I chose these gloves in particular, as they are adorned with gold spikes. These serve a dual purpose of not only protecting my DNA, but can also be utilized as a weapon, or rather a shield, against the wrath of the deranged fangirls.
Step 4: Protect your Brain
A metal cap would be ideal in such a situation for the protection of your brain cells, and a shield against the film infiltrating your brain. However, since I was unable to procure one, I decided to wear a Turkish hat that I bought in Istanbul last year. I went for this hat in particular because it is actually lined with fleece on the inside. Such a material is perfect for insulation and will aid, somewhat, in the prevention of brain cell destruction. However, in the event that your brain cells are destroyed, the insulation will help the brain cells from imploding into a disgusting pile of goo.
Step 5: Protect your Identity
When I first came across this bejeweled couture ski mask from Giambattista Valli Couture Fall 2012 collection, I was completely dumfounded as to what purpose these could possibly serve. At last, they have found a way into our daily lives! If you can't afford the Valli couture ski mask (they retail for $500+), a beret of any kind will suffice. This serves the purpose of preserving your identity from the sheer embarrassment and public debasement that comes with watching Twillight. However, if you are one of the many who are unable to loathe this piece of celluloid, then you deserve the shame.
Now you may cut out holes around the eye area in order to see, but in such a case, it's probably best if you keep your eyes covered. Protect as many limbs and organs as possible!
Step 5: Don't forget your goods!
It is inevitable that you will be going to watch a film without taking a purse. Try to pick a purse that is large enough, and sturdy enough to withhold the weight of eggs and tomatoes (their presence is self explanatory). I chose this leather bag from Michael Kors to carry my goods.
You are now sufficiently prepared to watch Breaking Dawn Pt. II. If you cannot procure the exact apparel items on my list, than fret not, and just improvise. Remember, the goal is to look as sexually frustrated as possible.
So now you see what I did there? I have used my "fashion" blog to reveal my true purpose in life. That is, to save you all from watching really bad movies that will kill you. That's why I was put on this planet. It's not an easy job, but someone's gotta do it.
Sequin Sweater: H&M/ Jeans: Zara/ Faux Fur Vest: Rachel Roy/ Beret: Forever 21/ Shoes: Asos (last worn here)/ Purse: Michael Kors/ Hat: Grand Bazaar in Istanbul